Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sweet Home Alabama: T minus 13 hours and counting...

Short post:

Ever skip a night's sleep, just to find yourself too wired to get any rest the next evening? Counterintuitive as it seems, the last time I went to sleep was about 48 hours ago, and I don't feel tired.

I wish I did. Tomorrow's going to be a hell of a day.

I'm leaving Ottawa in a few short hours with Bryan and Kyle, en route to Nez's kidnapping in Ohio, and onward to see Sophie in Alabama. Between Ottawa and Toronto, I'll also be picking up a few drifters. Two housemates I found on craigslist's rideshare, one Carleton grad from PickupPal, and my friend Rachel from a small town in the middle of nowhere (because nothing beats five straight hours of unmitigated sexual tension.)

And I've barely begun to pack.

Nonetheless, it's been a hectic 48 hours; spent, for the most part, convincing and re-convincing my friends to commit to the odyssey, and persuading their parents to support their self-actualization with cold, hard gas money.

But through bouts of vacillation, flared tempers, doubt and uncertainty, this show is finally getting on the road. In 36 hours' time. I'll be in Birmingham.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

So I got fucking arrested last night...

I'd type up the full story, but I'm feeling far too lazy to do all that writing this afternoon. I'll just copy and paste from the MSN conversation where I tell a friend:

Rachel - what did you do to [PR]?
PR - lol
PR - long story
Rachel - i hear there are handcuffs involved
PR - there were
PR - hold on, I'll grab a beer first
Rachel - lol
Rachel - drinking alone...oh no
PR - hey, I've earned this one
Rachel - okay dish
Rachel - I cant wait any longer lol
PR - lol I've heard that one before
PR - I'm doing this at my pace
Rachel - thats what she said
PR - lol
Rachel - fine but i get all the details
PR - okay, so one of the AEPi alums had his birthday today at the Heart and Crown on Preston
PR - I'm too broke to go drinking, but I figured I'd come over and give him my regards
Rachel - and I take it this is where it starts to get interesting
PR - you have no idea
Rachel - :)
Rachel - go on
PR - so since I'm not drinking, I saddle up the loser cruiser and head to the Heart and Crown
Rachel - ...
PR - if I were to be drinking, I wouldn't take the car
PR - but that's not relevant, so I'll keep going
Rachel - lol and you mean boat
O - boat
Rachel - and do go on
PR - so I find a parking space a few blocks away, and walk over
PR - the place is packed
PR - I find my friends, and there aren't even enough chairs for everyone at the table
PR - we're outside, and half of us are just off the property across the little metal rail
PR - so eventually I go over the rail to greet another friend who just got in from toronto
PR - about a minute later, a bouncer comes up to me and says "Are you planning to come back inside?"
PR - and I say "Yeah"
PR - "Don't bother. You're kicked out."
Rachel - wtf
PR - I know
PR - my friends were pretty stunned that I just got kicked out of the heart and crown for hopping onto the sidewalk over the rail, and they suggest I ask nicely to come back in
PR - so I go to the bouncer, and I say "Look, I didn't realize what a dick move that was back there. Is there any way you can let me back in?"
PR - "no."
Rachel - ouch
PR - yeah, but that's his right
Rachel - Im gunna grab a banana...brb...keep talking though
PR - np
Rachel - lol and Im going to eat it...nothing dirty so dont even say it
PR - so I go back to where my friends are, and just lean against the rail from the sidewalk side
PR - about 5 minutes later, the bouncer tells me to go home
PR - I say "Are you telling me that I can't be on public property?"
PR - he says "get off this sidewalk"
Rachel - wow he really had it out for you
PR - so I ask if he can legally ask me to get off of a public bench and sidewalk if I'm not causing a disturbance?
PR - and I was right
PR - so he says to my friends, "alright, I can't kick this guy off the bench, but if any part of his body crosses over that rail, you're all kicked out"
PR - "fine."
PR - and that was the last time any part of me was within their property
PR - so I stay on the bench and tlak with my friends
PR - and when the waitress comes by, I ask to speak to the manager
PR - she says that they're really busy, and that it oculd be a while
PR - *couldc
PR - *could
PR - I tell her "don't worry, I'm not in any rush"
PR - so after about 10 minutes or so, the manager comes up to me with the bouncer
PR - I told her I was sorry about hopping the rail onto the sidewalk, and would if be possible to rejoin my friends on the other side?
PR - she says no. their liquor license requires that they kick out someone who does that
PR - which isn't unreasonable for her
Rachel - yah but you were sober
PR - not a fucking sip
PR - but she was right on that point
PR - her hands were tied, and I didn't have a problem with that
PR - I wasn't going to argue
PR - then she says, "if you're going to cause a problem, we can call the police"
PR - I say "I'm not going to cause anything. If I can't come back in, then what I will do is stay on this public bench. I hope you don't call the police, but I'm not doing anything wrong. If you want to, that's your perrogative."
Rachel - lol
PR - so they leave, and I go back to talking to my friends
PR - who are pretty amazed at what just happened
PR - then Jeremy says "they're coming back with police"
Rachel - LOL are you fuckig serious
PR - I'm facing away from the cops, and I don't turn around.
PR - I just ask how far away they are
PR - "about 20 seconds"
Rachel - omfg
PR - so I keep talking to jeremy for about 20 seconds
PR - from a public bench, on a public sidewalk
Rachel - sober too
PR - keep in mind, at no point in this evening have I had a drink, lost my temper, or even raised my voice
PR - well, I had 5 drinks as soon as I got to sunnyside
PR - but again, not relevant
Rachel - lol
PR - so I keep talking to jeremy until I feel the cop grab me my the arm from behind
PR - he tells me to leave
PR - I ask on what grounds
PR - he says "tresspassing"
Rachel - wtf
Rachel - that is SUCH bullshit
PR - I tell him that I'm on a public bench
Rachel - leave it to the cops to take the side of the buisness
PR - and that I have no plans to trespass on their property
PR - and he says - and I'm not making this up - "you're in my city"
Rachel - bastard
PR - "you've got two choices: you can go home, or you can go to jail"
Rachel - wtf
Rachel - you CANNOT be arrested for that shit
PR - I ask him if he's going to arrest me for sitting on a public bench
Rachel - what an arrogant pig
PR - so he says again, "you can go home, or you can go to jail"
PR - I say "I'd like that in writing"
Rachel - lol
Rachel - o0o
Rachel - you badass
PR - so he says "hands on the railing. you're under arrest."
PR - "here's your writing"
Rachel - OMG
Rachel - no wayy
PR - way.
PR - so he puts the handcuffs on, and my friends are just in shock
Rachel - thats kind of hot though...Id like to be arrested lol
PR - lol
PR - my friend called me after to ask why I was grinning while getting cuffed
PR - I didn't realise I was grinning
Rachel - lool
Rachel - omg I WISH i could have seen that
PR - so he calls a squad car, (code 93 or something), and leads me to it
Rachel - lol tell me more
PR - sorry, back
Rachel - but really that is pretty got arrested
PR - so once we're out of earshot, he says "I'm going to tell you one more time. You can go home, or you can go to jail."
PR - sorry, my bad
PR - "You can go home, or you can go to jail and do this by the book"
PR - I tell him "I haven't done anything wrong tonight, officer. I think I'd like to do this by the book."
PR - so he puts me in the squad car and turns me over to the officer driving it
Rachel - LOL
Rachel - man I really wish i could have seen this go down
PR - lol
PR - I'm so pissed off at my friends
PR - when he said "hands on the railing"
PR - I gestured at them to get a fucking camera out
PR - and they just stood there like idiots
Rachel - LOL
Rachel - fuck
Rachel - that sucks
PR - I wanted a picture of that
Rachel - a picture would have been epic
PR - a) because it would have come in handy in court
O - and b) because it looks badass
Rachel - omg yes
Rachel - that would be a hot picture
Rachel - i dont know what it is but anything related to jailtime= hot
PR - sorry to disappoint you, rachel, but I never went to jail
Rachel - lol you coudnt handle it
PR - the second cop wasn't as big a dick. He drove me around the corner and said that I wasn't being held
PR - I told him I'd like to get everything on the record anyway
Rachel - I once found out a guy i found attractive did about 3 years in jail..and it turned me on
Rachel - lol
Rachel - i take it he just toko you home then?
Rachel - *took
PR - no
PR - after I told him. I said I wanted to be given the breathalyzer test
Rachel - good.
PR - I hadn't had anyhting to drink
PR - but that car didn't have a test machine
PR - I asked if any nearby squad cars did
PR - he said "it doesn't matter, you're not driving home, are you?"
PR - and I said that yes, I was.
PR - so he asks what kind of car I own, and where it's parked
PR - when we get to it, he lets me out of the squad car, and smells my breath
PR - which pissed me off, because I wanted an actual readout for the record
Rachel - yah
Rachel - that is SUCH bullshit!
PR - then he unlocks the handcuffs and hands me a charge citation for trespassing
Rachel - but a bunch of guys from your frat saw it happen...your a legend lol
Rachel - whatttt
PR - yeah
PR - I ask him how I go about disputing that in court
PR - he says that the info's all on the citation, and that if I challenged it, he would testify against me.
Rachel - jackass
PR - once I got into my car, he drove off
Rachel - he wasnt even there
PR - I checked the 20 messages I'd gotten in the 10 minutes since I got arrested, then came back here
Rachel - omfg that is bullshit
Rachel - definately fight that
PR - I will.
Rachel - lol but [PR] got arrested
Rachel - how hot
Rachel - is that
PR - hey, when I was asked to leave the bar, I left. When they told me not to touch their railing, I didn't. But when a bouncer tells me to get off a public sidewalk, he can go fuck himself.
Rachel - oh definately
PR - and when a cop does the same, I made him arrest me
Rachel - that is such bullshit
Rachel - lol
Rachel - oh you badass
PR - lol fuck off
Rachel - lol
PR - I'm way too irritated right now to deal with sarcasm
Rachel - you may not find it great now but im sure its a story you will love telling
PR - oh, you have no idea
Rachel - and im serious that shit is hot
Rachel - you got arrested
Rachel - hott
PR - lol
PR - seirously though, apparently I was grinning the entire time
Rachel - you would
PR - I did.
PR - so what did you do tonight?
Rachel - I talked to Hani about how I got ditched for the black BBQ and then I tried to help him come up with a name for his team for guild wars
PR - lol
Rachel - they ended up with the same lame name they started with
Rachel - and you know i had one of those days where i take forever getting ready only to get fucking ditched
Rachel - im so pissed
PR - I think the funniest part was when I was in the squad car
PR - and I was crushing the cigarettes in my back pocket
PR - now, you obviously don't reach into a pocket to grab an unknown object while in police custody
Rachel - lol
PR - so I ask, "Officer, I'm just going to reach into my pocket to move my cigarettes to somewhere that they won't get crushed"
PR - so he says okay
PR - then he asks "What's a guy like you doing smoking anyway?"
PR - and I say....
PR - I know you've read my blog, so you probably know the answer
PR - "shiny packaging and peer pressure"
PR - sarcasm: not always the ebst approach
PR - *best
Rachel - lol
Rachel - not with cops
Rachel - its best to let them dominate
Rachel - lol
PR - whatever, I got their names.
Rachel - good
PR - I'm not going to go home because a cop threatens to arrest me. not if I haven't broken a law
Rachel - fuck that is so messed up
Rachel - but still..hott
Rachel - lol
PR - lol thanks
Rachel - how were their cuffs?
PR - left some bruises, but otherwise not bad
Rachel - damn
Rachel - I want some of those
PR - they feel the same as the ones I have, but they ratcheted them tighter than I do


I still can't believe it. I was never aggressive or belligerent. I never lost my temper or even raised my voice. When they asked me to leave their property, I left. When they asked me not to even touch the railing, I complied. But when a bouncer tries to order me off of a public bench on a public sidewalk, he has every right to go fuck himself; when an officer of the law does the same, I wanted that order on paper.

This isn't some third-world junta. This is Ottawa! I realize how melodramatic this kind of thing is going to sound, but our society is based on the rule of law. A police officer is granted - rightly - certain authorities over other citizens for the good and welfare of society; but a badge is not carte-blanche to give orders arbitrarily under the guise of legal authority. I got arrested for sitting on a public bench, breaking no laws, and I fully intend to make a scene over this.

I'm not a petty criminal. I'm not a menace to society. I don't have a criminal record; christ, I've never been arrested before. And even if these things were not the case, I would still be in the right.